Understanding People-Pleasing Behaviors as a Trauma Response
The Fawn Response
In the world of mental health and therapy, we often come across various coping mechanisms that people use to navigate our lives. One coping mechanism that frequently emerges is people-pleasing, also known as the “fawn response”. This behavior, while seemingly harmless on the surface, can often be a trauma response deeply rooted in a person's past experiences. In this blog, we'll delve into the world of people-pleasing behaviors and explore how they can be connected to traumatic events in an individual's life.
The Basics of People-Pleasing
Before we dive into the trauma aspect, let's first understand what people-pleasing entails. People-pleasing is a pattern of behavior characterized by an excessive need to make others happy, often at the expense of one's own needs, desires, and well-being. It typically involves saying "yes" when you want to say "no," going out of your way to accommodate others, and avoiding conflict at all costs. It’s saying “I don’t care where we go out to eat” or “It doesn’t matter what time we leave the party tonight.” You don’t worry about your own wants and needs because the need to please others is that much stronger. You don’t want to make waves with anyone else, your needs don’t matter.
The Link Between Trauma and People-Pleasing
So, how is people-pleasing connected to trauma? To understand this connection, we need to recognize that trauma isn't just about major life events like accidents or physical abuse; it can also result from chronic emotional or psychological distress, such as neglect, verbal abuse, or consistent invalidation of one's feelings and needs. It can be too much inconsistency in one’s life and/or not enough validation, support, connection and love from someone. These are often called “small t traumas.”
The Need for Validation
One of the fundamental aspects of people-pleasing as a trauma response is the desperate need for validation. Individuals who have experienced trauma, especially in their formative years, often grow up feeling unheard and unseen. Being seen or heard may even be dangerous. This lack of validation can lead to a persistent desire to seek approval and acceptance from others. People-pleasers believe that by constantly accommodating others, they can secure the validation they never received and feel safe and regulated
Avoiding Conflict as a Survival Strategy
Trauma survivors may also develop people-pleasing behaviors as a way to avoid conflict. When their past experiences have taught them that conflict can be dangerous or lead to more trauma, they become hyper-vigilant in avoiding situations that might trigger confrontations. This can result in an over-the-top commitment to keeping the peace, even when it means suppressing their own needs.
The Fear of Rejection
Another significant factor in people-pleasing behavior is the fear of rejection. Many trauma survivors carry a deep-seated fear of being abandoned or cast aside, as this may have happened in their past. To protect themselves from this perceived threat, they go to great lengths to ensure they are always in favor with those around them. Saying "no" or asserting boundaries can feel like an unbearable risk to lose any connections or attachments that they have. As human beings, we have a deep need for connection and belonging, the threat of rejection is a a threat to our survival.
Breaking the Cycle
Recognizing that people-pleasing is a trauma response is the first step toward healing. If you find yourself constantly putting others' needs before your own, it's essential to acknowledge that this behavior is rooted in past experiences. Here are some strategies for breaking the cycle:
Self-awareness: Start by examining your behaviors and identifying situations where you tend to people-please. Understanding your triggers can help you gain insight into the underlying trauma.
Therapy: Seeking the help of a therapist can be incredibly beneficial. They can guide you through the process of healing from your trauma and teach you healthy coping mechanisms. Focus on finding your voice, using your voice and identifying your own wants and needs will be an important part of therapy.
Setting Boundaries: Learning to set and assert boundaries is crucial for breaking the people-pleasing cycle. It's okay to say "no" when you need to, and it's important to prioritize your own well-being.
Self-compassion: Be kind to yourself throughout this process. Understand that it's not your fault that you developed these coping mechanisms, and healing takes time.
Conclusion
People-pleasing behaviors can be a complex and challenging pattern to break, especially when they are deeply ingrained as a response to trauma. However, with self-awareness, therapy, and the willingness to prioritize your own well-being, it is possible to move towards healthier patterns of behavior.
Remember, healing from trauma is a journey, and it's okay to seek support along the way. By understanding the roots of your people-pleasing tendencies and taking steps to address them, you can begin to reclaim your own agency and build healthier, more authentic relationships with others.